| I'm participating in a short bible study I've gained nothing from until this morning. I'm not in a good place right now, and I long to get myself out of it. Yet, I know I can't do it myself. It's only with His guidance and help I can. Xanga is likely a bit too public for this sort of thing but only a few read it anyway...I'm callous, negative, stagnate, self-focused, apathetic, rebellious, I fail to take responsibility and place blame elsewhere, I'm impatient, ungrateful, and mediocre. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being hopeful for change yet unmotivated to act; of being mediocre. I say this not in a "focus on me" sort of way, rather putting it all out-there as a sort of accountability. I hate reading about purpose. I never know what mine is...There are a few ideas but it would seem I would use them more if any were my purpose... So today I'm slapped upside the head with "to serve God." Yes - I already knew this, but it gave me a sense of peace. My primary purpose is to serve Him. When I wrap myself up in that, I can relax and allow Him to reveal my secondary or worldly purpose. 2 Corinthians 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." So again - I know this but didn't understand it, as applied to life. We glorify Him at the time we acknowledge Him as Savior. It's ever-increasing from there. God isn't one-stop shopping; get what you need and get out. This is a process and so long as you make progress - you're good. The ideal road with God has no exits (temtation to stray) only on-ramps. No slowing for construction, or stopping for maintenance/repairs. But this is life; we grow weary and are flawed. We must slow for maintenance and stop for repairs. So, many of you know, the Lord gave me a vision many years ago. Ultimately, I realized it was a person with an umbilical cord attached to a man (weird but wait for the interpretation). Interpretation: With rebirth we are connected to our Creator. As a mother supplies nutrients to her fetus through this cord, so God supplies us with all we need to (at most) thrive or at least survive - uncondition love, mercy, etc. The cord is tissue and tissue will stretch. As we stray, we lose all that helps us thrive, but we continue to receive the fundamental nutrients needed for survival (He will not leave nor forsake you). So we are tethered to the Lord, no matter how far we stray we can make our way back to him. All of that to say, I'm want to thrive again. But finding an on-ramp seems impossible. Where do you start when you feel so lost. I know to pray - but it seems hollow. I'm certain I'm under attack, but how do you counter an attack when all your supplies are utilized for survival? The lesson to learn? Isa. 48:18 "If only you had listened to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea." I'm determined to get through this. The river will not overflow me. |
